Things I’m grateful for
*because gratitude lists always make me feel better*
- My home. It’s the most comfortable place in the world.
- My family back home in Kenya&being able to go home to see them.
- My Mum. (Raising Njeri and I completely on your own, while being a full time student and working two part time jobs. You gave us the best childhood ever. You taught me how to be open minded, generous, hardworking, loving, strong and caring. I’m still convinced you are a superhero:))
- I’m grateful for how mentally and emotionally mature I am now compared to last year.
- Not having to constantly worry about having money to pay bills or afford a decent meal.
- Having quick access to food that is not only delicious but also fuels my body and makes me feel good.
- Being able to speak more than two languages.
- my wicked wardrobe.
- The neighbourhood I live in because it’s awesome and my next door neighbours are always lovely to me and exchange goods with me.
- All the foster siblings I have because I’ve learned so much by taking care of them.
- My best friends. They are seriously the most brilliant group of people I’ve ever met. Trustworthy, openminded, loving, dependable. They’re basically family to me.
- My sister. She taught me how to be authentic, straightforward/speak my mind, stay true to myself and not give any fucks of other people’s negative shit.
- My uncles for always being perfect examples of what a great black man is.
- My good health. I’m always in mint physical condition. My body is hella flexible, I’m strong, my thick thighs hold me up for hours, I can run/walk for miles, my immune system is in check year round so I rarely get sick.
- Music. Reggae, hiphop, traditional Kenyan music, old school r&b, classic rock, pop, dub step, dancehall, edm, latin.
My anxiety is the worst it’s ever been in my life, I’m having frequent panic attacks, I’m falling back into my eating disorder, having negative body image and just depressed as a whole. I was really disappointed in myself at first because I was doing so good with everything. But I realized I do tend to focus on improving certain aspects of myself while concealing or suppressing other negative feelings. Sometimes my drive to get back to my positive place is so strong that I become hella hard on myself so I start to force and rush my recovery. I don’t want to be good I want to be great. I want it so fucking badly. I want the people that I care about most (my friends/family) to see that I’m okay too. Now the problem here is that I’m not living my life for myself. I’m sure the people I love want to see me doing good but I shouldn’t be doing anything drastic in my recovery just to appear happy to them.
Note to self;
No one is perfect and No one has their lives completely figured out.
Stop wasting your time trying to achieve unattainable goals.
Stop worrying. Start living
While you’re busy doing that you’ll start to figure it out.
Nothing and no one validates your existence besides you.
The first thing I’ll work on is realizing that I’m human, I’m fallible and ultimately I’m me. This is my journey and however slow I have to go is acceptable. I shouldn’t even be rushing because I always end up getting overwhelmed, breaking down and starting over. It’s like building a bridge (a weak bridge at that) and then setting it on fire. I need to focus more on what I’m doing rather than where I’m going. I’m a smart woman. I know exactly what it is I need to do to get better, I have all the right tools it’s just a matter of going about it in a healthy non self destructive way. More journaling, therapy, group sessions, long runs because all of those things help me emotionally&mentally. Slow and steady wins the race.
Also I know I have hella messages to respond to, I’m sorry if I haven’t got back to you yet! I’m not ignoring you guys on purpose I’m just not in the mood/best place right now. I want to focus on myself and what I’m doing.
So I’ll be m.i.a for the next month or so.